Pissed Off and Nervous

today i have and interview at Gottschalks, i hope i get the job. my family supports me and im happy for them. since the one who claims to love me so much can even write 3 little words " I Love You" i write and i text him all the time, no response, nothing, how can he love me, how? there is no way he loves me, he couldn't love me. Not like this. He doesn't even try. at least i try. he knows why my mom doesn't want him calling her house, but he refuses to believe that he has done anything wrong. And now all the problems we have i gotta fix em on my own, i sit there and apologize over and over and over again for being the way i am, i wasn't always this way. He made me a miserable person, i was happy when i met him, i was on top of the world, now im the one who" ain't bout shit" And its up to me to pick the pieces of my life up. i helped him do right, and this is the fucken thanks i get. I HATE THIS SHIT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!! I have never felt so confused about anything in my life. This relationship is driving me crazy and getting me no where. o yea i forgot to mention I got back with him, but for what i don't talk to him like we used to. he hardly ever calls me. but i guess i asked for that when i said yes hunh? I practically lied down on the floor to be walked on. i feel the only reason why he got back with me is so he won't see me with someone else. So that i can't mess with anyone else out of loyalty to a reltionship that is wiltering. So he can just have me sittin here wondering whats hes doin all hours of the day and him not givin a fuck. THATS NOT FAIR!!!!! i dont wanna hurt and thats all i feel, i sacraficed soooooo much willingly to be with him, but he feels he has to give up nothing. NOTHING AT ALL!!! Ive never met anyone in my life who could be so selfish and not even see it. How can u put ur friends before someonre you claim to luv soooooo much. U DON'T DO THAT!!! we have been together for a year its about time i moved up. DOES HE THINK HIS HOMEBOYS WOULD PUT HIM BEFORE THEIR GIRLS? OR THEIR WIVES? IF THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR THAT LONG AND CLAIM TO BE AS DEEP IN LOVE AS HE CLAIMS TO BE? HELL NAW!!!!!!!!! I wish he could see that, "they been my friends for years..." And youve been fuckin me for a year. I was the one who washed you when you couldn't wash yourself, i cooked for u, i did your luandry, i held you while you were sick, i scratched your back when it itched. WHERE WERE YOUR FRIENDS THEN, NIGGA????? OR DOES ALL THAT SHIT I DID NOT COUNT BECAUSE "U DIDN'T ASK ME TOO"? I cant believe the shit that comes outta his mouth sometimes but then im getting mad for no reason. I get treated like dirt and its OK. But when i complain or make a face IM THE BITCH!!! IM THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS TRIPPIN!!!! YOUR THE ONE THATS NEVER DOIN ME RIGHT!!! You hurt me all the time and you don't care. You apologize just to get me to believe it and then your back doin the same shit you did yesterday. IM NOT UR FUCKIN DOOR MAT, AND MAYBE YOU'LL REALIZE THAT WHEN IM NOT THERE ANYMORE. YOUR PUSHIN ME AWAY AND ONE DAY IMMA GET TIRED, REAL TIRED. AND MY OPEN ARMS ARE GONNA CLOSE. AND THEN YOU WILL REALIZE WHAT A GOOD GIRL YOU HAD WHEN I END UP BEING A GOOD GIRL FOR SOMEONE ELSE. HE IS NEVER GONNA FIND A GIRL WHO LOVES AND CARES FOR HIM AS MUCH AS I DO. HE IS NEVER GONNA FIND A GIRL WHO PUTS UP AND TOOK AS MUCH SHIT AS I DID. HE SHOULD TRY TO HOLD ON TO ME WHILE I STILL LOVE HIM. BECAUSE WHEN THE DAY COMES THAT I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE .........ITS OVER!!!!!!!!

WHERE'S THE BALANCE????

ok so yesterday me my cuzzin Dionne, her man, and her baby Tylor went out yesterday....we went to hometown buffet and chuck e. cheeses. i must say i had a lot of fun i didn't think it would be that fun but it was and we took pictures and junk. it was fabulous but then. after we got back to the house i can't say how many hours went by but anyway mid night melvin starts instant messaging me and it was cool until he calls and o my God we are at it for hours, for all kinds of shit why does he hate me so much?? why is he callin me and stressin me out so? well i could just hang up and never answer the phone for him again hunh? its just that when he calls i be prayin that he is gonna say somethin i wanna hear ya know. but i can't keep wishin on a prayer and praying on a wish. i can't help it people i try so hard to stay strong but truth is i'm weak. he was my everything and now it is just so difficult to just let it all go. i get a headache just thinking about it. its so frustrating I'm either feeling really good or really bad where is the balance in my life where I am just well off??? it all just sucks. well thats how i feel today. just plain crappy. But yesterday I felt good. I'll keep that in mind.... i guess.

!?! Frustration !?!

So I am still over Aunt Lydia's house with Dionne I don't want to go home things are just too much over there. Between Amanda running the house and my parents questioning my every thought and feeling about Melvin. It has become a little overwhelming. I want to focus on getting a job, that's it. Not wondering if when I wake up will something of mine be missing or what else is going to be said about Melvin. We are broken up and its been that way for a while, day by day it becomes more easier to cope with. We talk and its evident that we really care about each other, but the arguing is too much to handle, we argue about ways to stop arguing, we can't be together anymore and I'm just learning to except that. I met someone new, I kind of like him. He makes me laugh, something that I haven't done in a long time. And we have a lot of things in common. I like that a lot, but in some ways I feel guilty for liking him, should I? I don't know, that is what I am so frustrated about, I'm afraid to move on and I know I shouldn't be. He broke up with me, and he says he wants me to be happy. But he confuses me all the time. When I wanted him back, he didn't want me back, and then he wants me back but I'm kind of interested in someone else. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say. I am really lost, and its not fair. I feel like he is still winning because I am miserable just trying to figure out what to do. He has control of everything, or at least he tries to. Like when he told me he wanted me back I was just like whatever OK I'll talk to you later because I'm talking to someone on-line. He calls back after a few hours and he's like what are you doing I'm like I'm still talking to my new friend and he's like get off the computer your not single no more. What the hell? I didn't say that, I said OK I'll talk to you later. He wants to control my life. The only reason he wanted me back is because he didn't think I would actually try to move on, and I did. He is so full of crap, but I love him. He is my first love and I can't help it. But I will try, because Lavonte (the new guy) managed to make me laugh all day, in just in 30 minutes Melvin broke me down into tears and ruined my day. I don't need a man like that.

"No man is worth crying over. And if you find one that is, he won't make you cry"

TRYNA MOVE ON

Its been 5 days since me and my first love have been broken up, I must admit it was hard the first 3 days. I didn't really want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, my mom had to drug me with anti-depressants and sleeping pills to get me to go to bed at night. It was a really sad, moment I was going through. And in the process I was pissing everyone off because they were the one's who had to deal with my drama while he was sleeping rest assured at home. By the 4th day, I pretty much had to slap myself, this is ridiculous, no one has died and there is no reason for me crying like that, and throwing up. I'm hurt, and I miss him and those are normal feelings but crying and dying is not gonna solve anything. So I left my house, because over there I was just catching a mad case of cabin fever, and missing him was driving me crazy. So I'm over my Aunt's house right now with my cousin, I have my own little space for the time being just to sit and think when I want to, grab on to reality, even though it hurts. I've talked to him, he says he wants me back but I can't fall into that trap, he has to suffer, like he has made me suffer, and if he ain't sufferin then more power to him, as long as I'm not. I've met someone else but I'm not sure if I want to continue with him because I'm not absolutely sure I want to move completely on. It would be fine if the new guy wanted to be just friends, nut lets not be coy. Niggas are shiesty these days, you can't be just friends. You gotta have benefits. I've never been intimate with anyone besides my first love so to just want to get down like that for me is not gonna fly. So I guess I just got some more thinking to do because there is nothing else to do for the weekend. I have no friends to hang out with because I isolated myself from other people to be with him, so moving on is not gonna be as easy as I thought. But now I have more free time to find myself, and find out what I can do by myself to make me happy. Its not easy, but I'm tryna move on...